Tuesday, January 2, 2007

If you happen to see this...

 If you happen to see this...
January 02, 2007,

Last year, I found the English class somehow boring and too leisurely, however, now I still remember and agree with the teacher when she said : “now you’re still young, you (our class) don’t understand” (she said so because some of my friends used the words “break up, divorce” etc. so often) , “when you’re in love, you don’t like to hear and try to avoid using or saying those words”. Hi`, I myself had realized that even before she shared it with us. So, I totally agreed with her and naturally thought of you, thought of us, just as I do now. Uhm, but understanding that doesn’t mean I’m not young huh. Young, and the heart’s also young & loving.


Since we’re together, I don’t like songs with poignant lyrics, I don’t like songs with “goodbye, sorry, break up, mistakes” or anything unfortunate. That’s why, to find a really suitable song to listen to seems quite hard for me. “suitable” songs, I mean, songs with beautiful melodies, sharing my feelings, lifting my spirits, painting a rosy picture, having a promising future , or concerning “everlasting, forever, endless, sharing”. I don’t know whether you feel the same way?

So strange! (not really strange cuz the situation has changed now! I’m not in that flying-with-love mood! Today, any songs I play appear to portray a part of me, a part of us, a part of our relationship inside.

“What about the life that you were dreaming of
What about the picture in my head
What about the love that we were fighting for
Is it still somewhere alive or is it dead
How could we ever go so wrong
I always thought that we were strong
What about the home that we were building up
What about the colours in our hearts
What about the kids we should be playing with
Should we leave this fantasy into the dark
Do you share the pain inside
Do you know how much it bites
Do you mind to watch me fall
Do you care for me at all…"
("If you leave my world"-MLTR)

The lyrics say the very things I want to say. I have many other “what- abouts” to remind you of, not just those in the song. The candle you made for me last X’mas, u promised to light it with me; the seed you gave me last March, I asked you to plant it with me… The card I made for us, you said you wanted to write the greetings word by word with me. They are all unfulfilled. You promised! We can continue our good times! I know you love me. And that single reason is enough to keep me here believing.

Building myself strong, suppressing those painful feelings, doing my best to keep smiling, hoping for some miracle yesterday morning, the first day of the year, but why? those efforts just left and leave me in tears? Anyway, temporarily, I feel more relieved , cuz I’m writing this, writing this especially to you. This might be my last effort to save that poor love tree, to give it a chance, to keep it alive. I don’t have the heart to leave the love tree we 've been treasuring there, all alone, struggling so hopelessly. How can we desert it while it’s still so lushly green, while you and I both know it will beautifully blossom someday, with OUR great care. Don’t let your worries kill that precious tree when such tiring things even haven’t happened, or exactly are not going to happen, they’re not going to happen if we are together. Together, and we will find the way. “Love will lead the way”. “Love always find the reason”, now and then, I try to convey that message to you…You, it's you who firmly said to me when I , in the past, also worried for such things, do you remember? “Our future is in our hands” (PBHN – summer ‘06).

Well, I‘ve been tempted to write too much . Hope this doesn't bother you. This blog is public anyway, I don’t want to say personal details about us. Hi`, at first, I just intended to send you the lyrics and some words through this blog if you happen to see it, but maybe because I have so much to say. If you still care and are reading this, I want you to know: setting aside the wrangle, I’m still waiting for you. Be the very one I used to love . Stand up! And we’ll go our way together!!! “Miss you”. I know you do too, don’t you?

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